I’m married to two people. No, it’s not what you think. I’m not pan sexual or in some strange cult or weird three way. I’ve been married to my husband happily, for sixteen years. And I’ve been in a committed relationship to my best friend, Lisa for thirty five. I can say with the upmost confidence that I wouldn’t stay married to my husband without my best friend.
Why? Because every married woman needs a place to be free of male dominance. A place where women, can be free of the male gaze and openly gaze at each other.
Let’s face it! The institution of marriage is so problematic that fewer and fewer of us smart, single women are doing it. But for those of us who do choose to cohabitant with a population who stands when they pee, we need our tampon holding sisters close by.
My own mother knew this. She and my Dad have been married fifty nine years. They are true champions of each other. They launched two successful children while balancing thriving careers and still hold hands when they walk to the car.
How did they do it? I know a lot went into play but like me, my mother had a best friend, Andrea. They spoke daily for fifty years. My mother also religiously vacationed with her for thirty five summers. She and Andrea would go to a cabin with a few other women friends: cook, drink wine, and read novels to which they would discuss during dinner.
I never noticed until now, how it coincided with my Mom’s wedding anniversary. She would always celebrate with my Dad shorty after her return from her “girls’” trip. Perhaps, she could rank up another year of marriage, because she has just been basking in the after glow of female friendship.
When my Mom lost Andrea to cancer in 2015. She took my hand as I brought her tea in bed. “This is one of the biggest losses of my life.” And your Dad is driving me nuts!” It was Sunday morning at eight o’clock the time she spoke to Andrea right before “Meet the Press” for the last thirty years.
Of course, her husband was driving her nuts! She didn’t have that shot in the arm from her gal pal to get her though another week of my Dad asking her for toast just as she cleaned up the kitchen.
Here is the deal: there are some things that I will never tell my husband and only tell my best friend. For one: menopause! Frankly, that word should mean: a mini -pause from all the sexist bullshit you have to deal with since puberty.
When I attempt to talk to my husband about my bodily changes and the lack of thunder down under, his eyes glaze over with attention of someone who has just taken a four hour DMV course.
So I call Lisa. I tell her my sudden weight gain has made buying bras impossible. She tells me that her paints don’t fit. Then we pause for our collective hot flashes and go plan our next brunch date where they serve creme brûlée French toast.
Do we complain about our husbands? Hell yes! Do we love our husbands, hell yes! Do we ever think about leaving them: sometimes. Yet, we would never do it. We love them and enjoy our lives.
For the record, I am married to a fabulous man.
My husband is my biggest ally, best friend, tenderest critic and has made me a better person. When we wanted to have a baby. We got twins. The first week of their life, they almost died. I relied on him for my very survival as I was still recovering from a hard labor, painful C-section, and depleting breastmilk.
If you ever want to see what men are made of, watch them as they try to save their children’s lives. Somehow my husband got two dying infants to the hospital and could remain calm as the doctor told him he wasn’t sure our twins would live. A doctor can’t say that to a mother who has just given birth but he can say it to a father.
Men are trained to do a job, save lives, and go full court press. I love that about men and I love that about my husband in particular.
My husband is also clueless about the intense arrogance, condescension, and mansplaining he does on a daily basis. And by the way, if you tell him he is “mansplaning: he goes ballistic. He tries very hard to explain to me why that term doesn’t apply to him.
Is it his fault?
Yes and no!
Yes it is fault. Because he like, every Generation X man, assumes that he knows what to do and how to do it better. That his counsel is needed. That he has the bird’s eye view. I, as a woman, may have a certain kind of “women’s wisdom” but the kind of smarts that is really needed inside my husband’s head: is his.
How controlling is he? Controlling! When I’m quizzing the twins, now eleven, on their spelling test, he tell us, there is a better way to do this. What better way? You mean writing down the words? We did that five minutes ago when you were taking a dump.
Or the other time more recently, when I did a full day’s work of teaching, edited a new play, did four loads of laundry, fixed the twins breakfast, lunch and dinner and then completely cleaned the kitchen. I had finally gotten on the phone for my daily chat with Lisa and there was a knock on the door. “Had I taken care of the watermelon issue?” What watermelon issue? I didn’t know such a thing existed? Were watermelons being dropped because of some dystopian disaster?
No, I guess I had some how forgotten in all my free time to put the sliced watermelon back in the fridge.
To which point Lisa and I howled with laughter. She then began to tell me how she had been preparing a paper for a meeting, when her husband interrupted about the urgent issue of ordering paper towels from instacart.
Ahh, we love these guys. We do! But I truly think the longevity of a heterosexual relationship with a man has a lot to do with having a committed friendship with a woman.
Oprah know this too. when she accepted her Cecil de Mill award she thanked her best friend, Gail, right before she thanked her life partner Stedman. I get it. She needs both: her female friend and her male romantic partner. Maybe that is how she has been able to be a super power.
My niece, Lucy, is about to be married. She came to me asking me for advice. “Aunt Jenny, you have such a good relationship. How do I have a successful marriage with my financé?”
I paused and then thoughtfully said. “Spend a lot of time with your best girl friend!”
“Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.”